I have a nightmare!

I have a nightmare, that this tube light in there will detach from roof and fall on my head someday. It's just right above my head.

It’s been  3 years 6 months and five days under this tube-light. On this same chair. Neither my seat changed nor my fate. IT industry is hitting hard on each of us. But we refuse to bulge because we need what we get at end of each month. more because we are good as engineers, and what we do is easy. its a nice cozy chair. I sit on it and rotate myself at times when I have no idea on the bug that I need to fix. Then I dump my head on the chair and stare at the roof. I immediately feel like it will fall on my head, and I sit straight and avoid the site.

Every day I return home to tell myself I want something new. I come up with whole new ideas of what else I can do. But then it gradually fades away. Coz change is painful. Extra work is painful.

Projects changed over the years. People came and went; I am still under that lamp wanting something new.

Probably my experience is more than your entire age said my manger on my first day here, telling me how I can achieve greatness here if I worked hard. Everyone seemed to have advice for me here when I joined as fresher, just like I have many for freshers who join now. I was a rebel, a smart kid, good at what I did. But now corporate life has molded me to act smart at times, play low, duck when it’s a bouncer from peers and be merciless when its my turn to be one. its the hard reality i guess, in every profession. 

Saving my skin is my priority than helping people around me. Now, I don’t feel that thrust to outrace others anymore. I guess I have too quickly learnt that it’s not all worth it. I always wanted to drive, but now I hate it more than ever when I have to drive in this traffic. I learned to eat with fork and knife to suite corporate life, but I am not fond of the food i eat or the people I eat with. I don't hate them, but I feel they are all fake too stuck with their own struggle. All I do is spending time with myself and thinking about myself, what I am, who am I, trying to understand what i need. Or I am too lazy to shut my mind and work.  I wave off work convincing myself that I am doing more important thing “thinking” .

I started subscribing to all spiritual stuff. Started reading on attaining emotional balance, work-life balance, how to achieve goals. Typical quarter-life crisis isn’t it?

I seem to have everything. Good work. Good stuff. But then, nothing. That sense of achievement I had had often in my life back in college and school seems missing. Your manager makes you feel, ok.. u are good, but… aah I know that. Ignore.

That’s typically what I do when I don’t want to work. “Think of my failures” and stare at that tube light.  I really get that free-fall feeling when I stare at it. You are going to fall off that ceiling and break my head someday, aren’t you?

I need a psychiatrist.

Even that lamp is bored of seeing my head I guess. I Had nice thick hair when I joined. Hair fall has increased now. The lamp must have observed it I am sure. Thanks to all the stress. Have a couple of gray hairs too now. I am 27!

In my pursuit of how to get out of this loop, I came across this book called “who moved my cheese”. I guess you have read it, but then it’s a story worth retelling. it’s a tale of two mice and two ppl(tale, not tail). Mice have smaller brains, hence fewer emotions. People have complex brains and hence emotions are also intense.

Long story short. There was a maze and all four creatures lived in it, 2 mice and 2 people.  THEY MOVED AROUND MAZE EACH DAY AND FOUND SOME CHEESE FOR THEM TO EAT EVERYDAY. On a fine day, they found a cheese station which had so much cheese that they thought would keep them well fed for rest of their lives. There was no need to go searching for food everyday now. Hence they stopped moving in the maze and settled in the proximity of the food. Days passed. Everyone was happy, well fed and got fat. The mice realized that cheese station might get empty soon observing the quality of cheese that came out of the station, and they felt they might have to find a new station for food. They had good sense, but lesser ability to think. They kept their shoes handy and everything ready should they have to leave out for searching new store. They didn’t really think much or tried on analyzing the cause of that situation. But people lacked that capacity on sensing and smelling but had complex brains to compensate. they thought they were smart and didn’t really worry about next plans, nor noticed the change in quality of cheese. they were complacent and thought station wouldn’t get empty because it never did. Also, they were attached to the place they lived now. Resistance to change, the pain they should face to face the change was too much for them given the complexity of emotions and attachment. But when time came, it was too much to handle. Sometimes, one disadvantage of complex brain is you think more than necessary but fail in action. Mice were first one to come out of their comfort zones owing to their lesser complex emotional capacity.

Well, Inspired me, I decided to be on my feet for accommodating changes. You know me, there were more important things. I am too much lazy than I thought. I am so attached to comfort around my cheese station that I refuse to tie my shoe lace and go out to find a new one. Life is feeding me in abundance, but I don’t know till when. 

To help myself, I have subscribed to too many “self-improvement” sites; I get too cheesy one-liners from these sites every day only to make me hate myself more. Another day I read,,”only mud settles” be restless. Damn them, it spoiled my whole day.

I subscribed to more stuff. I joined music class. Next week, I went on a trek, and then I joined swimming, and then joined badminton. I Started investing in stock market. Went crazy with stocks and shares. Made money, lost money. What not. Just in search of that adrenaline.

And then back in the same chair, under that tube light as weekends got over what so ever. Can someone replace that tube-light? 

Another one-liner came today – “Greatness doesn’t come to you on its own, you got to go looking for it. Tie the shoelaces” it said. I stared up at the tube light again.  - Hate u!

would i tie my shoelaces?





P.S: Don't take the story seriously and hate yourself. whole point is, keep looking for new stuff in life. it's ok :D cheers